Outside The Center

It seems to me that anytime I've tried to introduce structure or routine into my life, I am thrown off-kilter. I lean too far over and am thrown from my axis and flung far, far out and away into a world completely unfamiliar to me and then I have to find my way home again. This is how I've felt for weeks now.

I keep looking for the familiar that will lead me back to where I want to be: a familiar food, a patch of soil, a voice. I really haven't felt like myself lately, that's the bottom line. I try to listen closely to the world around me. I thought I heard the butter requesting I cut it into pats. In hindsight, I'm pretty sure it was just an OCD moment.

Michael did not seem to see the value of pre-patted butter.

I did manage to finish two books. I also started two types of lettuce seeds. I took the dog to the vet so she could remove two hemangiomas. It took two days of pain medication before he was himself again. I do see the patterns of life (clearly the number "2" plays a large part) but I can't seem to align with them. I feel a little outside of myself, a little like I'm seven again and waiting to jump into the swinging rope and shout the count but I keep hesitating for fear I'll get all tangled up and have to start at the beginning again which could be okay. The important thing is to take the leap, right? So here's to leaping and getting back into the swing of things!

Comments

[Laura Munoz]

This is what it's like when your husband dies. There is no normal anymore. You have to create a new normal and you're never sure if it's real or stable or how it will end.

[Roberta]

I am sorry that you would know that kind of unfamiliarity. I know more than I know anything else that if I ever lose Michael my life will never go back to what it is now. It will be forever changed. Sometimes I look at him and will think, "What if today is the day?" and there is just no being ready.

[Holly]

I'm so glad you are jumping back into this blog. I've missed it! My life has recently been turned upside down, and it's nice having a good read regularly show up in my inbox.