Letting Go, Moving On

In anticipation of my big "Get A Jump On Spring" gardening weekend I pulled my camcorder out of the cabinet, dusted it off and charged it up. I scrolled through old footage and took a stroll down memory lane. I taped my current winter garden beds and played them back. The only thing left to do was to purchase the little button of a battery to keep the time and date current.

If I was being at all realistic I probably wouldn't be looking forward to the weekend because it's going to be A LOT OF WORK. We're going to buy a new mower and then heave that heavy monster into the back of my wagon, we're going to paint the boards for the picnic table which will take forever and delay satisfaction, and I'm going to go back and forth about mowing because the weeds are thick and wet and it isn't really the ideal conditions. I won't get nearly as much done as I imagined I would. The one thing that I know will bring a smile to my face is finding a place for the glass hummingbird feeder that I bought yesterday.

Do you know how long I've wanted a pretty glass hummingbird feeder? Forever. I see them every year and every year out of nowhere, the Voice Of The Old Boyfriend wakes up and says, "All those idiots with their sugar water birdfeeders are killing the hummingbirds." Really? I never went up against him lest I, too, be deemed an idiot. I've been burdened by that bully voice for years and never questioned it. It brought me down 18 years ago and I'm tired of it. It's the last of the Man Bullies living in my head.

I bought the birdfeeder as the big fuck you to a long trail of youthful and painful relationships. While driving home all the petty criticisms that rained down on my during that time popped up. Criticisms about:

• The way I pulled on my socks. Apparently too snug and tight against my toes? Not sure.
• Stirring my coffee after adding cream & sugar. It's unnecessary according to his father whom he loathed.
• Standing on my heels and/or toes while in the shower until the water warmed up. It's weird.
• Guacamole. The best is ONLY AVOCADOS. I ruined it by adding salt, lemon, etc.
• The way I pronounced certain words. I felt as if English were a second language to me.
• The way I tied my shoes. Again, too tight.
• I could safely assume that I am unlikable by people that I didn't even know but met in passing.

You'd think it would be easy to leave a voice like this behind but it has lived in the dark recesses of my mind for nearly two decades now. I may have been stupid enough to stay with Bully Man for as long as I did but I was not stupid enough to have his babies though I've fostered all of his criticisms as if they were my children. They are grown now, or rather I have grown and it's time to part. I need to make room for better things and something's gotta go so there you have it. Besides, I have a birdfeeder to hang and a garden to tend and these things need light and care and that's where I come in.

Comments

[Linnie W]

I look forward to lots of hummingbird images.

[Pam J.]

VERY interesting, and funny, post. Sugar water not good for hummingbirds? Never heard that. Sounds misguided to me. And now, just because of you, I have to go out and buy some avocados and make some guacamole withOUT salt and lemon. Once an idea like that is in my head it gets stuck there until I take action.

[Vanessa]

Guacamole that is only avocados is not guacamole. It's mashed avocados.

[Roberta]

My thoughts EXACTLY but some guys have very fragile egos and can never stand to be corrected.